Tasha and I went to a sort of a party last night for new years eve. Some of the guys there had got some beer but I didn't drink any, I just took one and pretended I was drinking it. I dont much like the taste of it and also I don't much like what happens to people when they are drunk. There was one guy at the party who I like a lot, but the more I think a guy is hot the less I can think of to say to him lol. Part of the problem is that I don't think he is gay but I really don't have any way of knowing for sure or knowing if he would like me the same way I like him even if he IS gay. I never told anybody except Tasha Im gay but Im pretty sure some of the people I know have guessed it, and I think there are some guys who don't want to be really friendly with me because then maybe other people would think THEY are gay. The guy I like isn't like that, he is friendly to me and jokes around, but I act like a dork around him because Im trying not to act gay, but I also wish he KNEW Im gay so I would know if he was interested in me at all. Um yeah its all pretty stupid lol. I know there are lots of guys my age who are out and have bf's and its no big deal but they for sure don't live where I do.
Anyway we had a pretty good time, and Tasha did a whole lot better than I did in the *find a guy* department because she ended up smooching with this other guy most of the night. I felt jealous lol. Tasha keeps telling me who she thinks is hot and who she thinks is gay like Im supposed to go--OH ok Ill just walk up to him and ask him if he likes me lol.
What I really don't like about being around a lot of people is that sometimes I think they start saying stuff like calling each other faggot or cocksucker and its like they are just trying to PROVE that they arent like that themselves. Its not that my feelings get hurt or anything like that because they are pretty much just joking around I think, but I do wonder if they would talk like that if they knew Im gay, and other times I wonder if they talk that way because they DO think im gay.
Sometimes I think I think too much lol. Ill have to think about that. :-\
(The pic above is unrelated lol, but I will tell you the guy I like is blond and I wish this had happened last night mmmm!)
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6 comments:
Well kyle as long as u had a good time at the party. There is more to life than sex.
Oh, thanks for the comments. We that 16yo from my friend dosen't use the net much. He is aways out. So I rarley ever see him.
Oh, to let you know what happen we did not have sex. just jerking, kissing and sucking on each other. Im a little to nervos or scared to do anything else. if you know what I mean.
All those things you think about are normal...I think. Lol. I still think like that now, and I'm much older than you, and 'out'.
You say the guy you like is friendy and jokes around with you, so I would suggest you just be yourself and see what happens.
Good luck,
Col
just my thought...
don't try and act gay or not gay. just be yourself and things will work out. you will know when the time is right to say or do something - you will be nervous as all hell - but you will know. the waiting for something to happen is the hardest.
I just came across your blog so I'll try to keep up with it.
I know what you mean about hearing people call each other "faggots" or "cock suckers" just to see how they react or because they find it funny. I also come from a small town and am not out so I know how you feel.
My friends tend to take it one step further though. My one friend said his goal in life was to "kill a gay guy before I die" Needless to say I dont hang out with that guy anymore and dont plan on telling him I'm gay.
I also agree that you should just be yourself. If they cant handle it then they will have to learn to deal with it.
Keep writing, I enjoy it, and the pictures are pretty hot too XD
I agree with jay.osa and xthecouragex that you should just be yourself, whatever that means. You don't have to act a certain way just because you're gay.
And as for not knowing if someone is gay or not, one thing to remember is that it is their business, not yours. If they choose to tell you, fine. If they don't say anything, presume they are straight, and you'll be right 90% of the time. If you want to spend time with them, do it. You might make a good friend.
Hey, I just found this blog, but I know exactly how you feel. I have liked this guy for... a while... and even though I'm out, I can't bring myself to admit to him I like him. It's normal, but I agree with the above as well, act like yourself, high school is far from the pinnacle of life, and what people think and say matters a lot less than what you yourself think and feel.
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